I notice in my practice and personal consultations with people and their animals that everyone reacts differently to the bad news of impending death. Each falls back, first of all, on a known defence mechanism. You can’t help that, it’s part of who you are, whether human or animal. The three main reactions are flight (fear), fight (aggression, action,) or freeze (shock, silent, retreat into your shell). If you’re used to avoiding confrontation in other areas of your life, you’re going to fall back on that now. Some people revert to conflict avoidance because they are really scared and are on the verge of losing control. It is not that they are not involved; on the contrary they just don’t know how to handle the situation. This is often a result of a lack of self-confidence.
To gain more insight into this phase, I recommend the books by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to everyone. They were a huge support and clarification for me.
In real life, people often have a hard time saying goodbye to a known and trusted life companion and welcoming something new. This can relate to practical matters, but also personal ones. So there is often resistance to change and the accompanying emotions. Changes can bring a sense of loss to a greater or lesser extent, which requires a certain period of mourning and processing before someone can move on with their life. When people lose something dear to them, we call it a grieving process. So life contains many small and large grieving processes. Learning to deal with that in life is very important.
1. Denial and isolation or the shock phase
“No, that can’t be true, not me…”
This is a mental reaction at the moment of the first confrontation with a new reality, which is often accompanied by a physical reaction such as abdominal pain, nausea, dizziness or a pounding heart. This can be related to a tangible sadness, but also to an awareness that one has to give up a dream or a confrontation with an unexpected situation. Possible consequences of the new reality may already appear in your mind’s eye in a flash. Almost immediately after, your system responds with a more rational response, putting what happened into perspective. Here you have a sense of hope. Our brains simply cannot process too much of a shock in one go and putting things into perspective helps to allow the process to take place step by step. However you can’t stop feeling emotional simply by putting things into perspective and eventually reality gets through to you. So in this phase you are confused. When you take your pet to your vet and they give that dreaded diagnosis you think it’s a mistake. You might look for different opinions and diagnoses hoping to find a vet who can help you.
This response is testing you after an unexpectedly shocking message. It gives you the chance to come to terms with yourself. It will soon give way to partial acceptance. In this phase it is important that there is someone who can listen and with whom you can talk.
2. Anger, annoyance, envy, resentment … or the phase of the search for control
“Why me?”
Sadness, anger, fear and powerlessness can alternate. You have no overview and nothing to cling on to anymore. The fear of the uncertain future makes you cling desperately to the past as you start to realise the truth of the situation. This is a very difficult phase for the family and any care providers because anger can target everything and everyone. It is therefore important to look at the source of this anger and try to understand it instead of blanking the person. For example, the owner may be furious because they would have liked to have had more time with their dog instead of having to work long hours. Have respect and understanding and make time for this person and do not be judgemental. After a while the anger and outbursts will soften, nothing that is said should be taken personally. It’s important that people can express themselves during this phase.
3. Negotiation or the stage of negotiation
“I promise to… then I can definitely get better”
If in the first stage we have been unable to face our grief and in the second stage we have been angry at everything and everyone, during this stage we come to some kind of agreement – if only for a moment – that causes an inevitable event to be postponed. You try with all your might to turn the tide.
4. Sadness and depression or the phase of saying goodbye to the old
In this phase you can no longer laugh and deny anything. It is a fact. Defeat, annoyance and anger give way to a great sense of loss. This phase can be accompanied by irrational feelings of guilt or shame. It is often about our own grief for a number of unprocessed issues of our own lives. This can affect our sleeping patterns. While we are busy processing the recent loss other past experiences surface and need to be addressed yet again.
At a later stage of this phase, practical actions can help to confirm the farewell to the old. For example, by performing a ritual, burning candles…
5. Acceptance
If you get enough time and help to process your loss, you can cope with your feelings. You will have cried for your loss but you still need to recuperate, rather like a new-born child who gains strength through sleep and rest. In this phase, feelings seem to be absent (including happiness) and you can seem disinterested but you are no longer anxious or desperate. There comes resignation and you can let go. Letting go is not the same as forgetting.
In this phase you need little or no help from those around you, except silent understanding.
With the coming out of this phase, a piece of the past is released little by little. Only then can there be room for acceptance of the present and the implementation of practical actions will continue to provide something to hold on to. This can range from redecorating your home, buying new clothes, throwing a party for close friends and so on. You are going to open up to the future again. There will be room for feelings such as curiosity for what life has in store for you. You can look back and see what you’ve been through and what you’ve learned to deal with. A new direction is being taken.
Both the dying and their companions go through these stages.
Hope and guilt
Of course it makes sense that throughout every phase, you hold on to every glimmer of hope. This is fine unless you are desperately holding on to something instead of experiencing acceptance, because death is part of life. Just as when walking lifting up one foot is part of putting the foot down on the ground.
Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. If it is determined that a disease is fatal, pet owners often wonder whether they are to blame. It is a great help if someone can talk them out of this and reassure them that everything possible has been done. However it is not enough to say that the owner is not to blame, it is important to look for the motive of guilt.